From ‘Work Mode’ to ‘Home Mode’: Patterns in Conscious Living 1
A healthy work-life balance means being able to move, not simply between two different environments, but two different frames of mind and heart. Discovering the difference in ourselves between the patterns in conscious living that make up a person’s work-mode and home-mode makes that shift easier and more peaceful for everyone.
A pattern is the way in which diverse elements are organized in an overall structure, and conscious living is a structure in which we organize the elements of thought, feelings and actions in a particular pattern. This fact of daily living is illustrated in how people speak about an artistic or a scientific mindset or refer to the difference between street-smarts and book-smarts. The notion of patterns in conscious living includes but goes deeper than popular beliefs about multiple intelligences. These patterns, for example, do not just organize how individuals think, feel and act, but also organize these elements in cooperation with others. They are patterns in social living that result in the different worlds in which we live, the worlds we are constructing together.
In subsequent posts in this series I will offer some ideas about the different patterns of thinking, feeling and caring that make up the different worlds of work and home. I will also suggest some ideas related to questions about establishing a work-life balance just to bring out the relevance of the larger questions. So the purpose of this first post is just to suggest some ways of navigating a common transition in everyday life, the transition between work-mode and home-mode.
Transitioning from work to home can be difficult. For some it is a time of high anxiety. Clinicians have noticed that many of a couple’s most heated and sometimes violent arguments begin during this crucial time of transition. Studies also suggest that a blurring of work and family roles is associated with lower levels of psychological well-being and marital satisfaction. Intuitively we might image that exhaustion, hunger and stressful commutes, along with left over negative feelings from work itself, contribute to the heightened tension and risk of explosions at home.
But psychologists have begun to suspect something else. Moving from work to home is not simply a change in location. It is a transition from one world with its rules, expectations, roles and cues to another world in which everything is different. It is a transition that requires interior adjustments in ways of thinking, emotional expressions, skills and responsibilities. And, it is a transition that often enough must be navigated in a moment of exhaustion and limited personal resources. Understanding this reality and how to manage external demands and internal challenges is part of what we mean by work-life balance. Balance is not just about spending more time at home. It is about developing a capacity to really be at home.
The organizational structure and culture of a workplace may be fairly hierarchical. Expected and acceptable behaviors may be clearly tied to one’s status, rank, or role. Rewards, approval and esteem may be doled out strictly on the basis of performance and output. At home, spouses and children are rarely impressed with one’s title or latest productivity measures. Roles and responsibilities are often flexible and functionally determined by who happens to be in a position to do what when. Decision-making may not follow clearly defined protocols but emerge in some indefinable manner.
In making the transition from work-mode to home-mode, individuals often find it helpful to provide themselves with cues and rituals that help orient them to the new world in which they are entering. These rituals prepare the body and release feelings and affects from the routine necessary for work life. They prepare the intellect to attend to and think about the people, objects and tasks that populate the world of the home. They help the heart and soul to re-orient to the unique values that constitute family life.In a time when for many people ‘work’ and ‘home’ are the same place, shifting gears may be an even more impossible task.
Couples who do not even notice the difference between the two worlds are at greatest risk for conflict or emotional disengagement.
One way to help transition from work-mode into family-mode is to make use of specific routines that help the body and mind to make the adjustments. Couple therapists encourage clients to develop boundary marking habits and rituals of connection that help effect a transition from work to home. These include:
Physical reminders to leave work at work, such as taking off work badges and removable insignia or uniforms
Values-informed scheduling, for example, blocking-off “family-time” or “date-night” on the calendar
Self-Care and relaxation is helpful and may take many forms and a bit of creativity can pay great dividends. This may include taking time to Admire nature, Listen to music, Take a walk, Meditate and pause for a few deep relaxing breathes, Say some prayers, Shower or bathe
Rituals of re-connection with loved ones, which may be as simple as a long hug or more strategic as meeting a spouse on ‘neutral ground’ like a restaurant or café
Most importantly, talk with your spouse and family about home-work boundaries
Individuals who work from home may have to become creative. There are many ideas out there. For example:
‘Commute’ to and from work by walking around the block
Maintain a dedicated workspace in the house that you can leave and forget about
Set an alarm that sounds at the end of your day or shift
Change into and out of work clothes (imagine, if you are old enough, Fred Rogers changing his sweater and shoes!)
Above all couples are encouraged to talk together about home-work boundaries, and what each needs at the period of transition.